


like a rabbit in headlights

by neorbits



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Indulgent, Short, hyuck has depression, mark is a good bf, side norenmin if u squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 17:29:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15296478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neorbits/pseuds/neorbits
Summary: they’re stunned by all your charmand i feel so damn luckyto have you on my arm





	like a rabbit in headlights

**Author's Note:**

> this is purely self-indulgent and shorter than i expected but i just wanted to write what i wish i could feel or hear from someone at Those times... so... . . yea.. .
> 
> also there might be some grammatical/spelling errors so i apologize in advance, hope u enjoy :D
> 
> title is from the song warm on a cold night by honne !!

mark notices something is wrong as soon as donghyuck sits down on the chair, right next to him, and his body deflates, shoulders going down when he puts his hands on his pockets. even though his face changes as soon as mark says hi to him, smiling a little and saying good morning back to his best friend, mark knows something is off.

 

best friends. that was what 10 years old donghyuck asked if they could be that day at school when mark was a little scared and shy because it was his second day after getting transferred there. he said yes, because, of course he wanted a best friend, and another reason might have been that he found donghyuck a little too intimidating, therefore he thought it wouldn’t be good turning down his offer.

so when the next day donghyuck asked him through a piece of paper if he wanted to go to his house to play with this new game he had, he was surprised with the answer he got handled by jaemin.

“no,” nothing else. not a sad face. not a doodle on the side. donghyuck even drew the console and them playing with it. a good drawing if you ask him. he frowned and started aggressively scratching the paper with his pen, passing it to jaemin.

“ouch,” jaemin said when his hand hit him, heavy, with the paper on it. “be careful,” he glared at donghyuck before passing it to mark.

the older got the already wrinkly piece of paper and looked at the writing on it.

“ ~~what t.~~  why????” with a sad bunny right next to the fourth question mark, in pink pen. he smiled for a second, then he scribbled down and folded it again, way more carefully than donghyuck.

“i can’t go to a stranger’s house?”

donghyuck stared at mark and his frown softened. at least he drew a sad lion, and it looked like a seal, it was cute. mark didn’t stare back at him; he was paying attention to class. he sighed and guessed mark was honest and also didn’t quite get what best friends meant, so he wrote down:

“we’re Best Friends.”

later, mark smiled a bit more than the first time, staring at the paper before folding it and saving it in his pocket, that was all the response donghyuck got.

 

they were 15 when donghyuck came out to him. unlike that first day at school, he was the scared one now, his voice not coming out the first time he tried to speak. mark was looking at him without saying a word, eyes focused on his face, so he just left the words out.

“mark. i’m.... i’m gay.”

“oh,” he said after a short silence where donghyuck felt like his heart was about to drop out of his chest. tears were threatening to come out of his eyes, but he stopped himself from crying. there was nothing to cry about, he didn’t have to feel bad about a single thing that had to do with this. the silence kept getting longer, mark wasn’t reacting and donghyuck was getting desperate.

“so... you’re not gonna say anything?” he said, and it sounded annoyed, but it was more like him being scared mark would get also scared and never want to talk to him again, and because if that happened, 1. how the fuck did he spent the last five years of his life with a homophobic dumbass and also, of course: 2. he definitely wouldn’t bear losing his friend.

mark was stunned, blinking way too slowly and too hard, so he moved a hand, waving to snap him out of it. when the older gathered himself, he finally spoke.

“i’m sorry.. i got shocked because,” he stared down at his feet and donghyuck frowned, trying to decipher his best friend’s face “i’m… bi?” he giggled a bit, nervously, now his big eyes were meeting donghyuck’s, who had both of his eyebrows risen and mouth half-open “and i never told you because i was, like, terrified?”

silence.

more silence.

“holy shit,” donghyuck said dramatically, but in a genuine way, just like how he does every time he can “mark lee isn’t straight?”

“shut up.” the latter said annoyed, frowning while hitting donghyuck’s arms softly. his face softened after a moment, and he stared intently at the younger, trying to make sure he would get the message. “but, even if i was... you’re my best friend, no matter what.”

donghyuck thought mark’s stare was fond. mark cared, and it made himself feel full of love, something he never did or, at least, allowed himself to feel. it was sweet, but bitter, a feeling that bubbled up in that cliché way in his stomach, going up inside him, all the way to his chest, suffocating him and almost getting him out of breath. a heavy weight in his chest. he dismissed it, because it was scary and maybe he was just glad he finally came out to his best friend, yeah, it was definitely just that.

he huffed out a laugh nervously and said “you’re my best friend too, dummy, no matter what.” he walked towards mark and hugged him, with a coy smile on his face. “even if you were straight.”

 

those words, lighthearted and not-that-serious where played again in donghyuck’s mind the first time mark’s lips were against his, three years later, on a warm summer evening. he got away as soon as he remembered them.

“mark,” he said under his breath, with his hands still wrapped around his neck. “mark, you’re my best friend” desperate, just looking for an answer, some kind of confirmation, something that said nothing was going to change between them, that no matter what they were still hyuck and mark.

the older one looked at donghyuck, so small and disoriented, so not like him, with long lashes battling and examining his face, waiting for an answer.

“yes, of course i am. and you’re my best friend too.”

donghyuck beamed at him, his dark brown eyes and bronzed skin gleaming under the soft sunlight.

mark wet his lips with his tongue, eyes staring at his and donghyuck did the same. the latter leaned in slowly, lips meeting the other’s again but this time deeper and not sloppy. mark kissed donghyuck slow and soft, like he was scared of breaking something. or someone. maybe donghyuck. his hand went up to the younger’s cheek, thumb stroking his cheek, while the other combed his hairs with his fingers, not as softly and feather-like as mark’s touch on his cheek. mark let a small sound come out of the back of his throat when hyuck bit his bottom lip. the younger one smiled into the kiss, satisfied with the reaction.

when they got apart and donghyuck looked at him; messy hair, pink lips, flushed cheeks and steady breath, mark decided to kiss him again. and again. and maybe a few times more.

 

that’s what they are. they don’t need anything else, they’re hyuck and mark, best friends. best friends who argue a lot over dumb stuff, best friends that cook for each other -it’s mostly just donghyuck cooking-, best friends that take care of the other. best friends who basically love each other and sometimes kiss, because that’s what you do with the people you love, right? they don’t need more.

to everyone donghyuck is always warm and dazzling, he brings the sun to every room he walks in, bright smile and witty, sarcastic tongue. he always reminds mark of the heated summer.

but when is winter and freezing cold, and there’s days donghyuck doesn’t feel that way, not smiling enough or having a comment to add every time jeno makes a really bad pun, mark knows and feels he’s still warm on the inside, but he just can’t do it today, not now.

so at this moment, mark knows what is going on. and he doesn’t say anything, he just stays by the younger’s side the whole day. it goes on normally. they listen to renjun getting mad at jeno and jaemin for making out while they’re trying to get this project done because it’s due to monday and “oh my god jaemin can you stop flirting for a second. this is serious”, they go to third period together and mark takes notes because donghyuck always falls asleep in that class, and later, he waits for mark while he has his basketball practice. a normal day, without a word about  _it_ being said.

mark only mentions it when they’re laying down on his bed, donghyuck sleeping over because it got too late after eating the pancakes mark’s mom insisted they needed to try since they were specially made for him.

“hyuck. did something happen?” mark asks softly, staring at the ceiling.

after a moment, he turns around, sighing. his hands under the pillow with his head laying on top of them, moving his head to say no, and burying half of his face in the pillow as he does it. his eyes look heavy and tired, he’s exhausted, not exactly because of today, because of everything. he’s exhausted in general.

“i just. don’t feel… okay?” mark feels relieved to hear donghyuck speak, even in a tiny and quiet voice, just like how he looks now, small, however, the older still feels like the pressure in his stomach got a little bit lighter.

“nothing specific happened?” now he’s looking at donghyuck, propped up on one of his elbows, sounding worried, but not too much.

“no.” donghyuck avoids his eyes. “it’s just, you know how it gets... sometimes,” he blinks slowly, staring into the darkness, with the moonlight softly delineating his features.

mark knows, he knows that there are days donghyuck feels hopeless, where he can’t stare at the mirror or simply get up. and he knows that it isn’t his fault. that hyuck tries hard every day, even when he breaks down and feels like just giving up, mark knows there’s strength in that, and that he will try tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow.

“wanna talk about it?” he says, carefully, and donghyuck is now looking at him, nodding as his eyes get teary. mark’s heart clenches at the sight but he simply hears him talk.

“sometimes i feel like, everything is better, that there’s a reason to do this, that i’m happy, contented, full,” he has a bitter smile on his face and looks away again. “and i really thought i was making it, like, this last month, but something always happens and everything just... goes away.”

“what happened?” now mark’s hand is in donghyuck’s hair, softly stroking it.

“wanted to come out to my mom. but yesterday she said some shit about gay people,” he stops for a bit, swallowing hard. “i can’t even remember what she said but i couldn’t say anything back to her. why? i don’t know” donghyuck’s voice cracks after answering his own question.

“say anything as in arguing with her about it?”

“yes... and okay, sometimes you just have to shut up when stuff like this happens, but... i’m just...” he looks up, still avoiding mark’s familiar doe eyed gaze. “so tired. so tired of pretending and not being. proud of... myself? shit.”

mark keeps stroking his hair, admiring him. he said he didn’t feel full? he’s the fucking full sun. irradiating light even when he felt like he was about to extinguish. “look at me,” he orders softly, and the younger does as he’s told, even getting closer to mark, foreheads almost touching. “of course you’re proud about it, it’s just not easy to do it. at all. it’s scary.”

“i know.” he nods, closing his eyes shortly. of course he does, donghyuck gets and feels everything deeply, mark knows that. and maybe that’s why he feels suffocated often.

“i know you do. so? it’s totally okay to get tired and scared because of it.” one of donghyuck’s hands is now on mark’s chest, so mark takes it with his hand and rubs softly with his thumb on it. “but being scared, it doesn’t mean you’re not proud.”

a quiet tear falls down donghyuck’s cheek, and he closes his eyes. he nods, and it’s more to himself, like he’s saying: it’s okay, you’re okay.

mark lets go of his hand only to wrap his arms around his waist, letting donghyuck just sink into his chest, squeezing him tight.

donghyuck is glad he has someone like mark, someone that’s always clumsy, but, for some reason always has the right words to say when he’s about to fall apart. it’s not that mark fixes him or pushes all his pieces together, he helps him collect them all and gives him the strength to do it himself, every time he has the need to.

so, for this moment, feeling glad he’s alive and has someone like mark by his side, he says, and it sounds choked out, but it sounds:

“i love you.”

and mark thinks that like this, even when donghyuck’s hands feel cold wrapped around their usual place, his neck, he’s warm. warm like that soft dim light that was upon them that summer day when they kissed for the first time, warm like the hugs he gives him every time they meet after a basketball match, warm like that cheeky wink he gives him when he finishes making fun of something he said, and warm like when he smiles because he just feels happy today. that’s donghyuck. and he feels lucky to have him here, warm in his arms and chest. so he smiles, places a kiss on his head and answers back:

“i love you too. so much.”


End file.
